Home » Writing » Fiction » Detective John Dorm Pt.1

Detective John Dorm Pt.1

FX: Jazzy Sax music. (But the specific kind of jazz music to denote that this is going to be a detective story)

John (voiceover): It was a warm Wednesday night and I was sitting in my dingy apartment watching the flies doing their miserable mariachi dance with my good friend Jack Daniels when I decided to bite the bullet and do my taxes.

FX: Jazzy Sax music

John (voiceover): I awoke hours later to the sultry sound of a sassy broad with legs from her chin to china. She had a face that could stop trains, and I don’t mean it was a big red light.

Agnes: The last time I saw such a rumpled suit was last night. When I was having sex with my husband.

FX: Jazzy Sax music

John (voiceover): I used the jazzy sax interlude to think of a witty comeback.

John: Thanks for the compliment, but I don’t take them from stupid women I just met.

Agnes: My name is Agnes Lotsacats.

John: I’ve got a grandmother called Agnes Lotsacats. I’d visit her a lot more if she had gams like you.

Agnes: You kiss your mamma with those words?

John: Whenever I get the chance, which ain’t often since a few years ago she fell off the bucket stand all the way to little italy.

Agnes: She’s dead?

John: That’s what I said little missy. Plain as butter on a honey stick.

Agnes: Listen Mr Humphrey…

John: Please, call me Mr Dorm.

Agnes: Why?

John: Because that’s my name.

Agnes: It says ‘John Humphrey’ on your door.

John: I know. That isn’t my name.

Agnes: Mr Dorm, I’ve got a case for you, but if you don’t quit this cutesy jibber-jabber I’ll just take my business down to old reliable Joe detective.

John: Joe detective may be reliable, but he’s old. He’d have been out of the game years ago if he wasn’t too senile to realise he was still in it.

Agnes: Joe detective is an expression, not a person.

John: Well then it looks like the case is mine. What seems to be the problem?

FX: Lots of Jazzy Sax music

FX: Night time, camera snapping.

John (voiceover): Wednesday night. I was sitting in my car staking out Mr. Lotsacats. He was staying in a seedy hotel and he had a seedier broad beneath those big old satin handkerchiefs. I snapped some shots with my big phallic camera, all the while wishing I was back in that room with Mrs Lotsacats instead of sitting in my car, peeing into a peanut butter jar. When I had what I needed, I drove off into the night.

FX: Jazzy Sax music

End of Part One.

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