Do you have any idea how hard it is to write for the radio? Of course not you idiot. That would make about as much sense as the train of thought which crossed my mind earlier today; it was about 4:30, the time when ridiculous thoughts are rampant, and with no prompting, the thought suddenly occurred to me. ‘I wonder if I can make that bird come over using only my mind powers’. But I digress. The point is, you have no idea how hard it is to come up with comedy gold like this on a weekly or even semi-bi-weekly basis, and this needs to be put right. A hobby of mine is recording original music, a process fraught with obstacles, or in greek; obstacles. The process can only be undergone at all during two of every four weeks when my father is away, because I need to use his laptop. Furthermore, it can only be done on days when noone else is home to eliminate ambient noise, which leaves only about two days of each month (not including the days when I myself am not home). Then comes the actual recording problems. When recording a new track, the program must play back all previously recorded tracks, so earphones must be worn to prevent the old tracks bleeding into the new ones, which means a hunched, uncomfortable posture is necessary due to the length of the cord of the phones. And when moving around to pick up another
instrument, you must disentangle yourself first, lest your ears be pulled from their ear-moorings. Then when you put on a guitar, you must disentangle the strap from the headphones, and you cannot hold any combination of the ipod, earphones or any musical instrument without experiencing a sizeable electric shock. Finally and perhaps most irritatingly of all, last summer I had a new ceiling fan installed in my room, which is a combined fan and lightbulb. The installation is such that the wall swithch has become a master witch which merely allows the remote to turn on the light of the fan. The problem is that the master switch needs to be on for either the light or fan to work, but if the master switch is on, both the fan and light have a tendency to turn themselves on and off apparently at random. This means not only that if I want to use either of them there is a chance that I will have to put up with both, neither, or only the one I don’t want, but also that I can’t use either when I record on the laptop because the fan creates unacceptable background noise. The practical result of this is that I must record in pitch darkness.
Now you may wonder exactly what this has to do with my original point about writing for radio, and the answer is, not an awful lot.